Building Connection with Validation Valentines

This February, let’s talk about love—the kind that builds connection, trust, and understanding within your family. At Thriving Minds, we’re focusing on validation, a powerful way to strengthen your relationship with your child. Validation is more than agreeing with someone; it’s about recognizing their emotions, showing you value their perspective, and fostering a deeper connection, even when you disagree.

To make this concept easier (and a little fun!), we’ve developed Validation Valentines—a playful, step-by-step way for families to practice validating each other. You can do this activity at home by cutting out paper hearts and writing down the suggested valentine message. You can trade these Valentines as you play a game with your child, or throughout the week of Valentines Day! When you receive or give a card, practice that type of validation. This activity is inspired by Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and helps to break down the six levels of validation into simple, actionable steps families can use to improve communication.

Why Validation is Key

Validation helps children feel heard, understood, and respected. For parents, it’s a tool to respond with empathy, even in moments of disagreement or conflict. By practicing validation, you create a safe space for your child to open up and for you to build trust.

Validation can be especially helpful in homes where emotions often run high or where communication has broken down. It doesn’t mean you’re agreeing with everything your child says or does—it means you’re recognizing their perspective as real and important to them.

The DBT Levels of Validation

Here’s how the six DBT levels of validation work, paired with examples of how you might use them with your child:

        1.       Pay Attention (Level 1)

             •    Valentine Message: “Show you care by listening with your whole heart.”

             •    How to Use: Put away distractions like your phone and focus entirely on your child. For example, if they’re sharing a story about school, make eye contact and nod to show you’re listening.

        2.       Reflect Back (Level 2)

             •    Valentine Message: “Mirror their feelings so they know you see them.”

             •    How to Use: Repeat back what your child says in your own words. For instance, “So you’re upset because you feel like your friends didn’t include you at lunch today—did I get that right?”

        3.       Show Equality (Level 3)

             •    Valentine Message: “Treat them as an equal, not less than or more than you.”

             •    How to Use: Avoid “one-upping” or dismissing their concerns. If your child says, “I had a terrible day,” resist the urge to compare it to your own day. Instead, say, “That sounds really hard—tell me more about it.”

        4.       Acknowledge What Makes Sense (Level 4)

             •    Valentine Message: “Find the sense in their feelings, even if you don’t agree.”

             •    How to Use: Validate the emotions behind their actions. For example, “I can see why you’d be upset that I said no to the party—it’s disappointing when you’re looking forward to something.”

        5.       Validate in Context (Level 5)

             •    Valentine Message: “Consider their feelings based on what they’ve been through.”

             •    How to Use: Take into account their history and circumstances. If your child is feeling anxious before a test, you might say, “It makes sense you’re nervous; you’ve been working so hard, and you really care about doing well.”

        6.       Be Genuine (Level 6)

             •    Valentine Message: “Validation works best when it’s real and heartfelt.”

             •    How to Use: Avoid empty reassurances like, “It’s fine.” Instead, express your care honestly, like, “I can tell this is really important to you, and I’m here to help however I can.”

How Parents Can Use Validation Valentines at Home

To help families practice these skills, we encourage you to create your own Validation Valentine moments:

     •           Choose a calm time to sit down with your child and try one of the DBT validation levels.

     •           Use the Valentine-inspired phrases above to start the conversation.

     •           Encourage your child to share a story, concern, or feeling while you listen and validate them.

Remember, this is about practice, not perfection. Validation takes time and effort, but the more you use it, the more natural it becomes—and the stronger your bond with your child will grow. 

The Power of Validation in Action

When families practice validation, they often notice less defensiveness, fewer arguments, and more openness. Teens feel valued, and parents gain insight into their child’s world. 

This Valentine’s Day, let’s embrace the spirit of connection and understanding in our families. By validating your child, you’re showing them love in one of the most meaningful ways possible.