Using Coping Skills: Common Challenges and How to Address Them
“Coping Skills” is a term that you have probably heard on social media or used by your child’s therapist time and time again. But what does that mean? How does it work, and why does it seem to not work for my child? In this article we discuss what coping skills are, where things go awry, and how to optimally use them.
What are Coping Skills?
“Coping Skills” or “Coping Mechanisms” are the thoughts and behaviors used to manage internal and external stressful situations, bringing psychological comfort or calmness. Usually, these are things like deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and grounding or mindfulness techniques.
Throughout our day, things happen that can be stressful, scary, or frustrating, making us feel unsettled. We may have an accelerated heartbeat, feeling flushed or warm, or experience body tension that may then lead us to yell, run away, or hide. It’s times like this when coping skills can be the most helpful. However, figuring out how to use them isn’t always self-explanatory.
Common Barriers to Calming Down
1. Prompting Your Child to Use Coping Skills When They are Upset
If you’re a parent of a child who struggles with big feelings, you’ve probably been in a situation where you’re trying to remind your child to take some deep breaths when they’re already in the middle of a tantrum (at the “Peak” in the graphic below). However, they’re already at the “point of no return” and will probably not be ready to try any coping skills. At those moments, providing validation (“I see you’re having a big feeling right now”), using a calm voice with minimal speech or direction, and keeping them safe is the best course of action. Coping skills should be used when in the child is in the “Agitation” stage, before things escalate.
2. Not Practicing Coping Skills When Calm
Often, the first (and only) time coping skills are brought up is when the child is already dysregulated. Coping skills should be practices individually and with a caregiver when the child is calm before trying them when overwhelmed. Just as athletes dedicate time to practice long before the big game, children should practice their coping skills during quieter moments. This groundwork helps them handle challenging situations more effectively when they occur.
3. Using the Skill Once (or Twice) and Giving Up
We've all heard the familiar lament, "But these just don't work!" It's a common occurrence when kids try a coping skill just once and then throw in the towel. But let's face it, we all know that the key to success lies in consistency. This means taking a few minutes to practice those calming strategies, maybe even sneaking in a short break from the situation to regain composure, and having a heart-to-heart brainstorming session with a trusted adult to better equip your child for future similar scenarios. Trust us, persistence pays off!
What Can I Do?
As a parent of a child with big emotions, it can be helpful to figure out what the challenging emotion is; are they angry, worried, sad, confused? How can they first calm their bodies down using some coping skills and how can you or other adults best support them? Having these answers can help you plan together how the child can handle the situation and to practice coping skills beforehand.
If you feel too overwhelmed trying to tackle this on your own, you can always make an appointment for a consultation with a provider for Parent Problem Solving sessions where you’ll meet with a therapist without your child to focus on specific challenges.